Prom

First off, I have a confession - I was High School Prom King...

I know, scary. I watched this wonderfully cheesy movie called "She's All That" from the 90's tonight and not only did it bring back some childhood memories, but it got be thinking about what it all meant. What were we doing in school? We can all look back and laugh at how trivial so much of it was, but in reality, those years are really important in our development. Things may have been silly, but regardless, they were serious to us then. Deep scars and insecurities were found for a lot of people. Great joy and friendships were also found.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that we can learn a lot about who we are now, from what we went through and felt, then. For me, looking back at prom brought forth a continuity in my life. The feeling being surrounded, but always alone. I was prom king, but i didn't even have a group of friends to go with... how ironic is that. I have no idea why people voted for me (although I suspect it had more to do with what they thought other people would do, then what they actually felt). But I do know that I felt like a fraud. I would have given away any sense of popularity (actual or imagined) for a feeling of community. For a group of friends that I felt totally comfortable being myself with.

As I have moved to new places and integrated into other cultures, it has become obvious to me that being who people want you to be is easy; figuring out who you really are is the difficult part. I may be able to engage a whole group of people at dinner, but do they ever get to see who I am? Would they appreciate an honest representation or would they go running?

When it comes down to it, the honest answer from my side is that i'm not sure I want them to see the real me. If I don't like myself, how could they?

Why I started...

This is my first blog and already, I'm struck by what a narcissistic idea this is. Honestly, do I really think that anyone wants to read this? No.

And that is exactly why I started. As long as I am not doing this with any attention getting motives, I feel ok. Not great, just ok.

I'd be lying if I denied that some part of me is hoping that someone will read this.

So that is why I have decided to tell no one that I personally know about this. If anyone begins to read it, I guess that is up to God.

This is an opportunity for me to experiment with a modern means of journaling. A chance to put down in words some of the thoughts, ideas, emotions, and insights that one has throughout their day. A chronicling of my young adult life.

Perhaps someday I will be able to look back at this and learn something. More likely, I'll just laugh.