Direction

I have this thing with movies... pretty much all movies, they pull at my emotions more than almost anything in the world. I know that is lame, but it's just how I am. I'll cry at a movie, but never about real stuff... always a mystery to me. But lately, i've realized that I can use this weakness as a tool. I always, always get in really thought provoking moods after a decent movie. So lately, I've been trying to harness that creative energy and use it to put down some thoughts.

Tonights movie: For Love of the Game
Summary: baseball, love, Kevin Costner, life balance, the perfect game, etc.

Anyways, this movie got me thinking about the choices we make in life. The directions we choose and the decisions that we have to make to continue in those directions. I've been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out where to go with this next. Perhaps, i should focus on the fact that I want to go in about three completely different directions...

Direction 1 - Away
I have these moments (like I'm sure everyone does) when i just want to leave. To pick up without thinking everything out and take off. No where to go, no plan, no money, and no ties back home. I wonder what it is in us that puts that desire in our hearts? What about starting from scratch is so appealing when we haven't even scratched the surface of our current situation? Maybe it's the hopeless romantic and believer of fate in me that thinks if I can really let go, God will guide me to my "destiny". I'll run into the right person, job, home, etc. 

I just realized what I was listening to and it sums this direction up pretty well (thank you Avett Brothers):

A Gift for Melody Anne
I want to get back
I want to get square
I want to get back all the hopes and the dreams that I had
That the good lord above us can't spare
Like that actor said I don't want to lose heart
I don't want to get beat beat down by the big big world
I'll quit before I even start
Lord I just want my life to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my words to be true
I want my soul to feel brand new
I want to hold hands yeah
Yeah and I want make love
I want to keep running all day and and all night
Even when my mind tells my body that's enough
And I want to stand up yeah and I want to stand tall
If I ever have a son, if I ever have a daughter
I don't want to tell them that I didn't give my all
And I just want my life to be true
I just want my heart to be true
I just want my words to be true
I want my soul to feel brand brand new
Like a fresh coat of paint
We can make it anything but blue
Anything but blue
Now when your dreams start saying I can't come true
You'd be better off without me
Don't let em go, don't let em go
I don't want to go broke, not from one bad deal
I don't want to be up all night crying in my hands
For a girl that isn't even real
Lord I just want my life to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my words to be true
And I just want my song to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my life to be true
And I just want my words to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my life to be true
And I just want my song to be true
And I just want my life to be true
I want my soul to feel brand new
I want my soul to feel brand new
So perhaps "Direction 1 - Away" is about starting over... while I love the relationships and history that I have with so many people, I also have the baggage that comes with it. And I want my life to be true and my soul to feel brand new. What do you do when you feel like you've screwed up so many times that people will never trust you again? Or that your identity is set, even if you don't like it?

Direction 2 - Inward
Other days, I just want someone to love with my whole being. Someone that will fill me up completely. Someone who I could just be with for the rest of my life, in any situation, and feel content no matter what I am doing. Someone to whom I could dedicate my life... that way I don't have to dedicate myself to doing anything in particular. It's all pretty selfish; finding meaning in someone else, so I don't have to find it in myself. Or are we supposed to find it in ourselves? As Christians, shouldn't God be our center? But that is so damn intangible!!

Direction 3 - Outward
So next, we come to my usual "MO" - Go throw myself completely into my work. Honestly, this is the most likely direction for me to take. It just seems simpler than the rest. Screw balance, just try to do one thing really well. Because isn't it hard enough to do just one thing well, let alone everything? When you work enough, you get the illusion of real relationships in which people respect you for the one dimension they know of you. Even better, if that is all you do, then pretty soon, that is all people know of you and if that is all they know of you... then isn't that all you are?

So here I sit, in the middle, or at least not at one of the extremes. Wondering how the hell to balance my life. Wanting to have a healthy relationship. Wanting to find meaningful work. Hoping that my past won't haunt my future and that my future will learn to be at peace. And I have no idea how to do it.

Wow, that sounded very fatal. I'm actually doing fine, just worried that I'm always going to hurt people and feel discontented where I am. I know I won't, but I feel like it. Does that make sense?