In search of contentment...

Over the past couple of weeks I have been able to gain some clarity on some things I have been struggling with these past 6 months or so. It was one of those rare and wonderful moment when you can almost feel the hand of God working in your life. I thought I might share what I wrote in my journal this morning. While you all have probably learned these lessons, it might give you some insight into where I am on my journey...

(Keep in mind that I wrote this to myself, so I felt ok about making some assumptions they way "we" see things... we being me and myself, of course :)

' When we talk about being outside of our comfort zone we assume that means experiencing something new and unknown. I'm learning that for me, it means living with the 'same' - the same people, in the same place, doing the same thing everyday. The challenge is living in the routine, everyday, seemingly mundane moments of each day, and through God, finding meaning and joy in each of these moments. It is learning to be content with God's love and grace, no matter where I am or what I am doing.

Last spring I started asking God for peace; for the ability to be content where I was and who I was with. What I really wanted was for God to place his stamp of approval on my situation; sending me a sign that I was where He wanted me. Although I am still realizing what He is doing in my life (as I always shall be), I am continually amazed at his wisdom and even more, his patience with my self-centered soul. Instead of 'zapping' me with a sense of contentment, he placed me in a situation where I could practice being content. Instead of putting me where I would feel at peace, He lead me to a situation where I can learn to find peace in Him.

It seems that God isn't as interested in giving us what we think we need, but rather placing us where we can learn what we actually need. He doesn't leave us to struggle, but waits patiently for us to recognize our need for Him. He is the 'Almighty Servant', quietly, and sometimes not so quietly, answering our prayers by gradually putting the pieces of our lives in view of His Reality. Whether we choose to humbly struggle toward that Truth is our choice.

If we do choose to pursue His Reality, or better said, the only True Reality, then why would we expect anything less than the most challenging, creative, stimulating, and honest series of teachable moments we have ever experienced? If we knock at his door, He will answer. Just don't expect everything on the other side of that door to be easy, or feel good at first. In a world lost in its own fictional story, the introduction to Reality will logically be a difficult transition. The beautiful part is that The Author is waiting to guide use through the most imaginative, joyous, and fulfilling story ever written.'

Disclaimer: Having said all that, I'm only just beginning to reach for the door. I'm pretty sure I've knocked, although sometimes I forget which door I'm at or why I knocked in the first place... Now that I think about it, I've probably slammed God's own door in his face more times than I can count. I don't know what His Reality looks like, but I'm just beginning to Trust it is there and it's wonderful!

Direction

I have this thing with movies... pretty much all movies, they pull at my emotions more than almost anything in the world. I know that is lame, but it's just how I am. I'll cry at a movie, but never about real stuff... always a mystery to me. But lately, i've realized that I can use this weakness as a tool. I always, always get in really thought provoking moods after a decent movie. So lately, I've been trying to harness that creative energy and use it to put down some thoughts.

Tonights movie: For Love of the Game
Summary: baseball, love, Kevin Costner, life balance, the perfect game, etc.

Anyways, this movie got me thinking about the choices we make in life. The directions we choose and the decisions that we have to make to continue in those directions. I've been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out where to go with this next. Perhaps, i should focus on the fact that I want to go in about three completely different directions...

Direction 1 - Away
I have these moments (like I'm sure everyone does) when i just want to leave. To pick up without thinking everything out and take off. No where to go, no plan, no money, and no ties back home. I wonder what it is in us that puts that desire in our hearts? What about starting from scratch is so appealing when we haven't even scratched the surface of our current situation? Maybe it's the hopeless romantic and believer of fate in me that thinks if I can really let go, God will guide me to my "destiny". I'll run into the right person, job, home, etc. 

I just realized what I was listening to and it sums this direction up pretty well (thank you Avett Brothers):

A Gift for Melody Anne
I want to get back
I want to get square
I want to get back all the hopes and the dreams that I had
That the good lord above us can't spare
Like that actor said I don't want to lose heart
I don't want to get beat beat down by the big big world
I'll quit before I even start
Lord I just want my life to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my words to be true
I want my soul to feel brand new
I want to hold hands yeah
Yeah and I want make love
I want to keep running all day and and all night
Even when my mind tells my body that's enough
And I want to stand up yeah and I want to stand tall
If I ever have a son, if I ever have a daughter
I don't want to tell them that I didn't give my all
And I just want my life to be true
I just want my heart to be true
I just want my words to be true
I want my soul to feel brand brand new
Like a fresh coat of paint
We can make it anything but blue
Anything but blue
Now when your dreams start saying I can't come true
You'd be better off without me
Don't let em go, don't let em go
I don't want to go broke, not from one bad deal
I don't want to be up all night crying in my hands
For a girl that isn't even real
Lord I just want my life to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my words to be true
And I just want my song to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my life to be true
And I just want my words to be true
And I just want my heart to be true
And I just want my life to be true
And I just want my song to be true
And I just want my life to be true
I want my soul to feel brand new
I want my soul to feel brand new
So perhaps "Direction 1 - Away" is about starting over... while I love the relationships and history that I have with so many people, I also have the baggage that comes with it. And I want my life to be true and my soul to feel brand new. What do you do when you feel like you've screwed up so many times that people will never trust you again? Or that your identity is set, even if you don't like it?

Direction 2 - Inward
Other days, I just want someone to love with my whole being. Someone that will fill me up completely. Someone who I could just be with for the rest of my life, in any situation, and feel content no matter what I am doing. Someone to whom I could dedicate my life... that way I don't have to dedicate myself to doing anything in particular. It's all pretty selfish; finding meaning in someone else, so I don't have to find it in myself. Or are we supposed to find it in ourselves? As Christians, shouldn't God be our center? But that is so damn intangible!!

Direction 3 - Outward
So next, we come to my usual "MO" - Go throw myself completely into my work. Honestly, this is the most likely direction for me to take. It just seems simpler than the rest. Screw balance, just try to do one thing really well. Because isn't it hard enough to do just one thing well, let alone everything? When you work enough, you get the illusion of real relationships in which people respect you for the one dimension they know of you. Even better, if that is all you do, then pretty soon, that is all people know of you and if that is all they know of you... then isn't that all you are?

So here I sit, in the middle, or at least not at one of the extremes. Wondering how the hell to balance my life. Wanting to have a healthy relationship. Wanting to find meaningful work. Hoping that my past won't haunt my future and that my future will learn to be at peace. And I have no idea how to do it.

Wow, that sounded very fatal. I'm actually doing fine, just worried that I'm always going to hurt people and feel discontented where I am. I know I won't, but I feel like it. Does that make sense?

Spirituality, Religiousness, and Ultimate Reality

This is an e-mail i sent to a friend lately that I thought summed up some of my thoughts these past few months, hopefully it makes sense without the full context of our conversation...

[Ok, I have inserted this little disclaimer after writing most of this e-mail simply to say that while my writing often sounds very... "final", like this is the "answer" to my thoughts, it is better understood as a point in the process. I don't know the answers, but I am engaged in the struggle. Welcome.]
 

 One topic that has popped up a lot lately in my reading and listening to lectures has been your comment about not feeling "religious", but rather more "spiritual". Once again, I went to the dictionary. I do this because I have had too many conversations that revolve around semantics, rather than the actual issue at hand. Or you end up arguing about two completely different ideas that you both define with the same word.

So anyways, I want you to look at the following definition and (with out looking it up first :) decide whether you would say this is defining "spiritual" or "religious".

1 : relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity









I'm sure you'll probably guess correctly, that it is "religious". But I was amazed after looking at both definitions how similar they are and also completely different from how we often define them in everyday conversation. I feel like the word "religious" has become a four letter word to many in our generation (including myself at times). I know that my first thoughts on the word bring about other words like :
rigid
hierarchical
dogma (which i also have trouble defining :)
human

For me personally, my saving grace was the realization that my God, my Faith, and my religion are completely different things. I have been ready to throw out God, when I realized that it was religion that I really had an issue with. To me, religion is our pitiful human attempt at explaining God. Most people spend all of their time arguing about religion instead of trying to understand God. This had lead to so many awful things that were done in the name of "god", but should be remembered in the name of "religion".

Having said that, I completely understand the need for religion. It can be a very useful tool for relating to and understand who God is. I also believe that much of religion was inspired by God. The problem is that people don't like anything in our lives to be dynamic; everything has to be static. So when we actually come up with a good way of understanding God for our time and place in history, we expect it to always work... throughout history and the future. Take baptism, there are huge and often angry disagreements between Christians about how baptism is to be administered. So much so that most of us don't even really think about what it was meant to signify, and only worry about "how" it is done. Completelely submerged, a cross on the head, at birth, after adulthood, etc. Like so much of being a Christian, it isn't so much about bowing with our bodies, but rather with our hearts. A empty ritual is about as useful as an empty canteen in the middle of the desert.

Ok, bringing it back to focus.... so many of us young adults are struggling with our religion, but mistaking it for our God. And when we don't agree with a dogmatic principle (that no-one actually knows for sure is true) we throw it all out.

OR we can go in the opposite direction and completely throw out religion, but keep God... or at least the parts we like. Then we go down an equally dangerous road of creating our own religion according to what we like and what feels good. God isn't easy or always agreeable and as much as it sucks to think about, is difficult to follow at times.

The post-modern mind has completely lost the idea of truth. We are taught over and over again that everything is relative. Like you said "perspective, perspective, perspective". Most of the time, I completely agree with that statement. We MUST remember that everyone has a different perspective/worldview/

experience of life. We can't label and judge according to our understanding. However, we also can't throw out the idea of "ultimate reality" or to use a common and abused word "truth". If everything is relative, to you, me, them, than nothing can ever really be known. Morality is completely lost.

I know this sounds really extreme, but if we really think it all the way through, this is where "relativism" takes us. If there is no actual Truth (with a capital 'T'), than who are we to say that anything is really wrong? When it is all about perspective and relative to each human's experience, than everything can be right. If the majority votes it to be permissible, than it must be. Once you cross that line, you can no longer condemn anyone for anything. If the state of Michigan secedes from the union and a bunch of what we would call "assholes" move in, then according to the post-modern view on truth, whatever they as a "society" decide to be right and wrong would pass. Incest, rape, murder... anything they wanted. And here is the kicker - we would have NO RIGHT to judge them. Because if there are no absolutes in the universe, than we don't really have any way of knowing if those things really are wrong.

All of my travels have really made me question whether or not I really, honestly believe my religion to be the one true religion. Or better put, is my God the one true God? Or is there one true God, but different religions to understand that same God? While that sounds really nice, it doesn't really work that well when you look at the teachings of each religion. (Take the trinity, which Judaism and Islam don't believe in, yet they are the closet world religions to Christianity). When it comes down to it, I believe there has to be an "ultimate reality", or absolute truths in the universe. What those are... well, that's the struggle.

Let me pause for a moment to get down from my soapbox....





Thank you.

Ok, first I want to apologize for verbally vomiting the past two months of my "struggle" on to you. Like I said, this is just where I am in trying to understand my God, my Faith, and my religion.

Opportunities to learn...

I've been struggling lately to keep perspective on my life; to keep looking at the big picture instead of just focusing on the less motivating aspects of every day life.

I have amazed myself at how short my memory is. I finished an incredible road trip around the country just 3 weeks ago, yet I have found myself moaning about how boring my life is in MI. It's sad and a bit frustrating to be given such obvious examples of my own faults... contentment has never been a strong point for me. I was thinking the other day about how I prayed so much this summer for a feeling of peace and contentment about where I was and not knowing where I would be going. It has occurred to me that perhaps God wasn't so much interested in giving me that feeling (which was relatively easy while in Boone and dating you) as he is teaching me how to find those feeling in a place that I don't necessarily want to be.

While riding, my dad and I would listen to lectures that we downloaded from L'Abri (the Christian organization where I am going to study in January). These lectures cover topics from cynicism to forgiveness and everything in between. A few lectures that i really enjoyed talked about prayer. A part of our faith that I have never been entirely comfortable with. It really got me thinking about how God wants to play an active part of our lives. I get so caught up in the philosophical and rational side of Faith that I prayer has always felt strange to me. To put it one way, I have always felt comfortable with the logical side of my Faith - that God does exist and that his way of life is the best possible way to live. But intellectual "understanding" doesn't always correlate with emotional "understanding". You once told me that you sometimes burst into tears after reading parts of the Bible. You have no idea how much I envy that. 

My point here is that I have a hard time "feeling" that God is truly involved in our lives; and prayer is perhaps our most powerful connection with a God that is here, now, and involved. Although I still struggle with this (and probably always will), I am hoping that this period of my life will help me learn to know God in a more personal and present way. Maybe a few months without constant stimulation will be good for me.

I may have shared this quote from "Evan Almighty" (yes, the bad comedy with Steve Carrell) with you already, but it is actually a pretty profound idea... maybe not always how God works, but perhaps sometimes it is...:

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Maybe this is my opportunity to learn how to be content and at peace with life... even when I am not "fulfilled" in all the ways I hope to be.

Finite Creatures

Pain refrain
You feel like you must carry the world on your shoulders.
The trouble of the world can't fit in here.
Limited space.
Limited resources.
Limitied finite beings.
It's what we are. Where we are.
Finitite in the infinite.
The only escape is love.
Love.
Love is the only infinite that we are capable of.
It sees no end, feels only inclusivitatiousness.
Once you have it, only you can leave it.
Once you leave it, only you can find it.
You can own it, loan it, but you can never sell it.
So find it my friends.
It's your only ticket out of the finitite existence.
Oh, and remember.
Love is an action.

Prom

First off, I have a confession - I was High School Prom King...

I know, scary. I watched this wonderfully cheesy movie called "She's All That" from the 90's tonight and not only did it bring back some childhood memories, but it got be thinking about what it all meant. What were we doing in school? We can all look back and laugh at how trivial so much of it was, but in reality, those years are really important in our development. Things may have been silly, but regardless, they were serious to us then. Deep scars and insecurities were found for a lot of people. Great joy and friendships were also found.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that we can learn a lot about who we are now, from what we went through and felt, then. For me, looking back at prom brought forth a continuity in my life. The feeling being surrounded, but always alone. I was prom king, but i didn't even have a group of friends to go with... how ironic is that. I have no idea why people voted for me (although I suspect it had more to do with what they thought other people would do, then what they actually felt). But I do know that I felt like a fraud. I would have given away any sense of popularity (actual or imagined) for a feeling of community. For a group of friends that I felt totally comfortable being myself with.

As I have moved to new places and integrated into other cultures, it has become obvious to me that being who people want you to be is easy; figuring out who you really are is the difficult part. I may be able to engage a whole group of people at dinner, but do they ever get to see who I am? Would they appreciate an honest representation or would they go running?

When it comes down to it, the honest answer from my side is that i'm not sure I want them to see the real me. If I don't like myself, how could they?

Why I started...

This is my first blog and already, I'm struck by what a narcissistic idea this is. Honestly, do I really think that anyone wants to read this? No.

And that is exactly why I started. As long as I am not doing this with any attention getting motives, I feel ok. Not great, just ok.

I'd be lying if I denied that some part of me is hoping that someone will read this.

So that is why I have decided to tell no one that I personally know about this. If anyone begins to read it, I guess that is up to God.

This is an opportunity for me to experiment with a modern means of journaling. A chance to put down in words some of the thoughts, ideas, emotions, and insights that one has throughout their day. A chronicling of my young adult life.

Perhaps someday I will be able to look back at this and learn something. More likely, I'll just laugh.